I am finding my “More”

Look at that! Here I am! Really over a year and a half later?! Who cares I’m here. This one is for you Melanie. It’s probably going to be crap, but I’m going to just type and hit post to simply remind myself I want to do this, and damn it it doesn’t have to be good.

So quick update: ummm well from my 2 posts a million years ago a lot has changed, and I’m happy to say it’s all for the better!

I had a list in my first post on here of how I was going to kick off 2013 and that somehow change would be created. Oh boy was it ever!

1. I lost my job, you know the one I wasn’t happy at and tired of not being empowered to do what they had hired me for. Tragic you ask? Nope. Hard, hurtful and a blessing. I knew I needed change and it allowed me to stop sitting and make something happen. And what a great experience to have and coach/mentor from. I was already looking for a new job and without being fired, I would have just taken another marketing job and probably still be sitting there day dreaming.

2. While at home figuring out what was next, I fell in love with CrossFit! Yup check another goal of 2013 off! 3x’s a week working out minimum, shoot… try 5-6 minimum and I found myself surrounded with encouraging people and in the best shape of my life. Hell I even began competing! 

3. My daughter turned 1! A big accomplishment for any parent and literally on her exact birthday, my daughter provided us with yet another challenge… by fluke we found out she had a softball size tumor behind her right lung sitting next to her spinal cord.  Stage 2 Neuroblastoma. Blessed to be in the care of one of the best children’s hospitals; our surgeon and oncologist were able to remove the entire tumor and Sonora has almost been cancer free for a year! This clearly delayed my career planning path I was on, and truly that was a good thing. I still wasn’t ready to take another step and it kept me from again just jumping in and taking a salaried position hoping for the best.

4. 2014 is here! Shit, now what do I do??? Well I pussy-footed (favorite demeaning quote from a middle school gym teacher) around a little longer and begin helping my Dad with a few projects for his Executive Coaching business. Eureka! That’s it. I spend my free time reading self-help books and there is nothing more I enjoy than empowering others! Plus my love for public speaking, and true passion for being a Feminist, this could actually work! Now a Jr. Coach for PS363 I have taken a step and weeding through other baby steps to find my most suited niche. 

 

So here I am! I don’t know exactly what it looks like yet, and I don’t know when I will make good money at it. What I do know though, I haven’t been this happy and fulfilled in quite some time. I am a better wife, mom, and friend for it. I’m engaged and so open to learning more about myself and taking more risks. I mean at this point what do I have to lose? We have learned to live without my salary and that was my biggest hold up for the longest time. 

So I’m writing today to simply have written something. It’s not pretty and I’m not going to even proof read it for fear I will decide not to publish it. I am finding my “more” I dreamed of and felt guilty for feeling for so long. It’s going to happen and I’m not afraid anymore. 

PS: Did I mention I’m also expecting a son in 3 months?! 

2013 threw many stones and in 2014 we have no concerns about overcoming anything!

I’m “Fine”

Each morning when I enter the office is the same… someone will greet me saying, “good morning, how are you?”and I respond with “just fine.” It is a simple and expected answer.  It’s routine. Though the more I think about it; replying with “I’m fine” is downright lazy!

Am I really fine? What does that mean? Is it OK to be fine? When I respond this way do I in turn tell myself I am fine? The dictionary states to be fine is 1. of superior or best quality; of high or highest grade: fine wine 2. choice, excellent, or admirable: a fine painting, but I don’t believe that is the understood definition in this scenario. In my opinion fine = stagnant, and the synonyms for stagnant are frightening: dormant, lifeless, dead, inert, lazy…. now who the hell wants to be any of these things?!

I viewed a speech by Mel Robbins this morning titled, How to stop screwing your life over and get what you want. (This speech is part of the Acorn Project course I am taking) I have always had an issue with the adjective fine, and this was strengthened after watching her speech.  Mel teaches that we all operate on auto-pilot, and we continually hit our inner snooze button. She explains that if we state we are fine, then we simply do not require any change.

Change is uncomfortable. We tell ourselves we are fine as to not separate ourselves from the crowd. If we were on the negative side of fine we would have to sincerely consider making some change in our life, and if we are on the positive side… well shit that’s just scary and those super happy-go-lucky people are annoying. Who in their right mind would want to be living life to it’s fullest?!

Mel Robbins also says, our souls need exploration, and that we all have life changing ideas and they are not there to just torture us. She’s right. Those thoughts are how the great ones come about. They may be as simple as making your individual life better or they may spread to help many others. And who are any of us to contain that opportunity? What is it that makes us willing to just be fine? What is it within us that makes us stop abruptly when we have a child-like/imaginative thought or dream, and why do we fear that thought to go back to the state of being fine? My Dad reminds me of the following quote often:

Our Greatest Fear – Marianne Williamson

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

My husband is a simple man. He likes his food organic, his family close and to take the time to appreciate the world around us. While he supports me, he severely struggles with the discontent feelings I have with my life. He often reminds me we make a good living, we have our health,  a beautiful daughter and two loving pups. I am aware I am truly blessed, and I am humbled by these gifts….. but I simply want more. I want to experience life. I want a passion to burn inside me. I know I have more to give and I expect that of myself.

This is my challenge and gift to myself. I do not want to be fine. I WILL NOT BE FINE.  There is too much life out there to be stuck in a routine.

What if I took the first step and  responded with the truth tomorrow morning? What if you did too?

Change is not inevitable, it must be triggered.

I can hear it now…. they way I will deliver the opening to all my speaking engagements in the future:

“It was my third day back to work returning my my maternity leave with Sonora… I had done a few personal emails, checked the Today Show website for updated news, and all of a sudden I had a BFO (blinding flash of the obvious). Change is not inevitable, it must be triggered. I pat myself on the back thinking this thought is quite deep and maybe one day will be used by another person who is sure to state I am the author of this deep, simple yet provocative thought. I grabbed a note card on my desk and decided enough is enough. I am tired of being tired/bored/undervalued.I am spinning without forward progression about what life could be and not having a fucking clue where to begin. I am exhausted from uncertainty and I believe scratch that, I know I am finally willing to work for something different. I then wrote: This year will be different! In 2013 I will do the following; 1. read self help books (6) 2. Start a blog and publish (2xmonthly) 3. Find a coach 4. play fetch with my pups (1x weekly) 5. work out (3x weekly minimum) 6. Love my husband (3x weekly minimum) 7. teach my daughter sign language 8. read to Sonora nightly 9. eliminate my debt 10. eat organically (75% of the time). 

 

Then just as this list is finished with reasonable, practical goals for the year I receive flowers from my little sister. (Now she is not pleased bc they were supposed to arrive yesterday morning but today in my mind they are right on time.) The note card read, “We miss you mommy, but very proud of you! love Aunt Lou and Sonora” Little does my sister know, but I had just looked uncertainty in the face and decided I was going to embark on change in my life and she had just provided the best encouragement. A text quickly follows from her saying she was glad I received the arrangement and again stating she is so proud of me and so is my 3 month old baby and that I am such a good woman to look up to… Wow, really, me? Even at this state of disarray I feel inside, no direction and a constant state of concern inside of the possibility of never being at peace with my life? It goes without saying the flowers and card arrived right on time. God knew I wasn’t ready yesterday, but today just 20 minutes earlier I had decided to be ready and needed this encouragement and feeling of value.This is not to say there were not  bumps in the road and plateaus, but I had to start somewhere. This was my beginning.”

Let me begin by saying I am very grateful for the many gifts I have in life. I have wonderful family. A husband who truly loves me and the most beautiful little girl ever born to grace this Earth. (Right?!) I have a grood job, amazing best friends and 2 dogs that love me everyday no matter what. So why the discontent? Why can’t I just enjoy life and not always be looking for more? Well because for some reason there has been a voice inside me for as long as I can remember that says one day you will do something that really matters and receive validation from your peers for it, you will make a nice financial living, you will feel very passionate about it and to be content with anything less is unacceptable. If this is not God trying to push me then I blame my Dad, but either way sitting here in check is not an option. My Dad and Mom were great parents. They made sure my sisters and I knew at all times that we were loved and they believed in us. My Dad convinced us that it truly means something to be “a Sylvester”, that there is something wrapped up in the letters of the name that proclaim authority, confidence and prestige. I may be over confident at times and stuck up, but I wish to provide my daughter with the same feeling about her name, if it means she never accepts anything less than the best and believes she can move mountains.

So this is the start. This is the beginning to a movement of change. I have no clue what turns me on, what I care most about, or where I will find these answers, but I have decided writing about my thoughts, view points and experiences might just be the way I begin to figure all that out. Maybe no one ever reads this, but just maybe I can find consistencies in what I write that guide me to the next steps in finding that value I so desperately long for.

I do not promise that I will always have the best grammar or spelling.

I do not promise that I will always be politically correct.

I do not promise that I will not cuss.

I DO promise (to you and myself) to be completely honest no matter how ugly it may be.

This blog will not be about being a mom, wife and amature photographer (like every other new mom these days) It will not have one direct focus (at least at the beginning) yet it will just be about any thought, feeling or viewpoint that prompts me to write.

I hope to learn more about the technology in this blog program to make things more aesthetic. And I may change the name a few times before I find something I like, but these are no longer reasons to keep me from getting out there, so damn it…. here I go! Giddy Up!

PS: I already can’t figure out why the paragraphs won’t space like I want them too, but screw it I’m posting.